Imma Wizerd Commentary
by FallenHero93
Summary: Here it is, a new commentary from me! This time it's the epic gangsta wizard saga loosely based on Harry Potter. Prepare yourself for one of the worst cases of misspelling, torture of English and common sense ever encountered in the fanfic world!
1. Chapter 1

After commenting upon everyone's favourite goth Harry Potter fanfic, My Immortal, I decided to take on the next HP "badfic", called Imma Wizerd. My soul began to cry tears of blood at the very sight of the title...

By the way, this story is NOT mine. Only the COMMENTS (aka the stuff in **bold**) are. With my previous commentary, there were people who didn't realise this wasn't my story. I had some trouble explaining that to them.

*sigh* But let's begin.

AN: afta redin da hairy potty **(I imagine now a "potty" (aka that small toilet for children) full of hair) **books (not rly (**At least you admit it**) i saw the moo**oooo**viez lolololol) (**Trololo guy FTW**) i desided 2 make mi own hary potty storee. **(And that, kids, is when Fanfic Apocalypse began)**

note 2 da reedars: neva beliv any1 hu sayz (...**he read the books but can't spell to save his life**) a blak man dont like fired chickin (**I like fried chicken...but I'm on a diet due to my stomach problems :(( Why did you remind me?**)

I wuz sittin out on da porch an mi mama leend out da windo (**My dear Microsoft Word is bursting with red lines. I'm gonna disable the spellcheck.**) an sayed (**I think my grandma would be able to spell this better. And she's illiterate**) "watchu doin soulja spirit buu jackson?". (**In Romania, my country,** **"buu" is the noise people make when impersonating scary things such as witches or ghosts. That's probably a warning to stay away from this fic. Which reminds me that I once dressed as "The spirit of Halloween"**)

"nuttin much" i said "we gut no food". **(Which is nothing at all, so the "much" is useless)**

"o turtle don cri" **(No woman no cry!)**

"na mama i aint mad" **(Oh, I'm not upset either when we don't have food. I totally understand) **i says. den i loked at da gund (**Just googled this word. It's the name of a plush toy manufacturer. Soulja Spirit Soul Boo whatever misses his teddybear!**) n said "i wish i had sum **(and product?) **fried chinkin" **(Fried what?) **den... **(What the hell are doing you mother...Oh wait, wrong badfic) **dere wuz fried chikin on da grion **(On the...Oh boy.) **!11111111111111 **(Ah, I sense a pattern)**

"yo buu wuz dat i smel" **(It's cyanide. Run away! BTW, did you know some people can't smell it? It's a genetic trait) **mi mama said. I lookd arund all snecky **(Mmm, snacks, good) **like and den i whispad "fried chikin" an it went away. **(The magic level is over 9000!) **i wuz scared but nut in a afrayed way. **(Waaait a second here. I have a deja vu moment. Enoby Way – "I was scared but not in an afraid way". Something rotten in the fanfiction world...)** den i whispad again "fried chicken" and it appered agan!111 **(Whoa, I'm so amazed. Voldie will now ask you for magic lessons) **so den i desided 2 tri sumden out. **(What surprises me most is that I actually understand this thing)**"wattamelon" an dere it iz a big ol **(It was old? Why is it so appetising then?) **slice o watrmellon at mah fet. mah mam lend out da door agan "boi now i no i smel sumden". **(The only way I like seeing the word "boy" spelled like "boi" is in Avril Lavigne's song Sk8er Boi, otherwise...) **so den i leaned ova and wispad "fired chikin... wattamelon" an dey boat went away. **(Wow, there was a boat too? Man, you must have a huge house! I want a boat in my home too!) **i gut up an says 2 mi mama "lock mama!11 **(Yeah, lock her up, she's nuts) **i aint gut nottin!11"

"but im so hundreh" **(hundred years old...) **sayed ma mama. **(Mama, mama, mama, I just hid the food down!)** den i felt sad. **(ah, so do I as my eyes look at this fanfic) **so i pointed mah finger at da grund an sayed "fried chikin" **(This whole chapter is him making fried chikin appear and disappear. Greeeat) **den a big ol bunmch of fired chikim appeerd. mi mama jumpt an scrammd. she ran in da house an slamed da door. "dun cum bak or ill shot ya!" she sayd. **(Dafuq? Sooo...he gave you food and you wanna shoot him? Life sucks.)** so i left. **(I right.)**

so whadda think? IF U FLAM UR RASSIST. **(If you keep writing like this you're a bad writer)**

**There's a saying on the Internet that Twilight was written when the author smashed her head on the keyboard. I think Imma Wizerd was born in the same way.**


	2. Chapter 2

**The commentary must go on, as Freddie Mercury would say…Poor Freddie *sigh* But now let's return to Imma Wizerd:**

Chapter 2: hogwarts **(I love the title...Not really)**

AN: im jus ritin dis now becuz i gut a butload o insparashun **(I'll give you a buttload of grammar books right away)**

den i went 2 hagwats. **(The place where the hags measure the electrical power in watts) **dena nigga came out a no were an says **(Oh, the anxiety is killing me…) **"hey im harry potter". **(oh shi-) **i turned an said "u aint harry potter!11 **(He's Daniel Radcliffe or what?)** i saw him in da movis!" **(Yo dawg, I heard you like breaking the fourth curtain, so I put a movie reference in the book so you can get mad while reading Imma Wizerd)**

"i no but fo da audeance dey got a wite boi 2 play mi" **(Ah, I see. The film producers feared the KKK. It all makes sense now)**

"wat i said. **(My reaction exactly)**

"u herd mi" (**Wow, what a long explanation**)

"dem rassist ppl!"

i entred da big ol place were everabodi **(Dear Lord, I miss Tara Gilesbie. At least the first chapters were spelled nicely) **eatz an dey put da wiserd hat on mi hed **(Now that was a fast beginning of the year) **and it says "yo in ravenclaw" **(Suuure)**

"hey daz were i stay" **(What the…Harry is in…How…B..but...Oh wait. This is Imma Wizerd, not your typical HP fanfic) **sed harry potter. den we both went to da room togedder. wen we were dere we saw the dumbldoor. **(You should know the difference between Dumbledore and a dumb old door. Not to mention…what is Dumbles doing in the Ravenclaw common room?)** an he turnt 2 **(3,4,5) **mi an sez "welcum 2 skool distrect 7 (wateva dat meens). **(So you don't even know what you're writing about in your own fanfic? Seems legit)** im ur dumbledoor." **(I imagine Snape introducing himself as "I'm your snape" or Voldie as "I'm your voldemort". Hey, I'm your fallenhero93!)**

hairy turnd t mi an seys "dis is da dumbledoor of da entire skool." **(Wow, you're so smart, Har...Pardon me, "Hairy". It's not like he introduced himself before or anything)**

"hi mistr duumbledoor"

"yo can call mi alvin". **(And the Chipmunks!)**

"ok alvin"

"goodbi" he sed an raned out on hiz broomstik. **(*mimicks Samuel L Jackson* English motherfucker, do you speak it? ... Well, apparently not)**

"im sleepi" sed hairy potter **("Who is Hairy Potter?" said Harry Potter.)**

"butt **(Oh the malapropism...) **its not even 12 o clock yet" i sed **(You're so badass, staying awake till 12 o'clock)**

"i no **(spell good) **but tomorow we hav skool an ill sho u all de pretti girlz **(You're one horny 11 year old, aren't you?)** an how to play bromstiks" **(Reminds me of "deathsticks")**

"sho" **(Sulfur – Hydrogen – Oxygen :) Random chemistry outburst)** i sed "do u lik 50 cent?" **(I bet he prefers dollars instead, Benjamin Franklins if you know what I mean)**

"do u lik soulja boi?" sed harry **(I like Ville Valo, does that count? *gasp* I think I'm more infatuated with this guy than Tara was with Gerard Way, and that's a lot)**

we were best frends. **(Instant Friend – Just add Soulja Boy)**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: my new skool **(I'm sooo excited…)**

AN: im jus crankin dem out!1 if dis keepz up i jus mite publish it! **(Well, Twilight got published, so…who knows what the future holds? Imma Wizerd the novel, Imma Wizerd the movie, Blu-Ray and 3-D version, Imma Wizerd the comic)**

da next day me an hary went doun 2 da big kitchin where all da chillin were chillin :) **(Whoa, you're sooo good at rapping. Go call Dr Dre right away)**

i sat down at a tabel nex 2 a pak o crackers **(Oh, those biscuits?) **whu sayd "boi u cnat sit here!"

"y" i sed **("K" he said. "J" the other one added. Say ALL the alphabet!)**

"u haf 2 sit at da bak of da kitchin!" **(Worse than women in the Middle Ages)**

den hairy came down an sayed "dun mind him. dat tabel is fo da snake ppl. **(*hiss hiss* Nagini approves!) **ur a ravencaw! **(I think you're just a gangsta wannabe, but if Harry says you're a "ravencaw"...)** u hav 2 sit at da ravenclaw tabel!" so we sat at da ravinclaw tabel. "dun mind dat cracker. daz rassist."

"ok" i sed **(So much philosophy and critical thinking in this dialogue!)**

"des r mi frinds" dere wuz a pretty gurl named herman. **(Does that happen to be...Hermione? Oh, who am I kidding? I already read lots of this fanfic, so yeah, it is supposed to be her) **she fell in love wit me. **(What the f...Kid romance? o.O) **it wuz so grat. we had brekfast togedder. **(They'll get to the next level pretty quickly, rest assured) **den we went 2 skool. furst we had magik class. **(So the other classes are muggle or what?) **the teecher wuz an old womin wit glases and an ol droopy suit. "letme see wut u can do" she said. **(If even McGonagall – for da rassists and crakers who didn't get it, it's her – spells like this...I weep for the future of humanity) **i pointed at da ground. "fried chikin" i sed. sum fried chikin apered on da flor. she piked it up an took a bit. "yum yum" she sayed and eatted it all. **(Bad, bad teacher! Didn't your parents tell you to share?) **"i no wut class u should go in. u shud go in da blak magic clas." **(Black magic is now studied in Hogwarts? I sense lots of transfers from Durmstrang in the future)**

"wut" i sed.

"dun worri, im nut rassist" she sad. **(I'm sad too...) **"sum children r good at blak magik whil odders r wite magik." **(And poor Neville is good at grey magic or what?)**

"well ok" i sed **(You got over the problem pretty quickly, didn't cha?)**

she gave us lots o homwork. **(Obviously. At least that's not OOC of her)**

we had mor classes. den hary tok me outsid. "heres a bromstik" he said. and he gave me a bromstik. **(These 2 sentences were just...wow) **"wats dis 4?" i sed. **(Cleaning the house, hitting someone or flying) **"4 bromstiks fool!" **(Here's a broomstick. He gave me a broomstick. It was for broomsticks. – Talent level: over 9000!) **harry sed. "dunt get hurt turtle" sed herman. **(Ah, we're getting emotional, aren't we?)**

"now dis is wut u hav 2 catch" sed hary and he took out a ball wit wings. it flu in2 da ski. **(Yoo-hoo!)**

but u hav 2 dog **(Dog? The kind that makes "woof woof"? Or Snoop Dogg?) **dis cuz it will try an hit u" he took out a big blak ball that hit me in mi hed. "ow i sed"

"sorry" sed hary. he took out his wand an sed "go away" **("Go away". I should write that spell down in case I ever get to Hogwarts) **and the big blak ball flu into da sky.

den he tok da biggist ball of dem all. **(That sounded a bit wrong, if you know what I mean)** it looked lik a soccer ball. "u have to pass dis so it goes into da hols." **(Innuendoes overflowing!) **he throgh it at me an i caut it. "UR AMAZING" **(Yeaah right) **sed harry potter. so we flew up in da sky an began 2 play. mi ballz startd 2 hurt. "my balls hert!" i sed. "sit on it lik dis" sed harry potter. an i did. meanwhile we playd an alot o ppl came arond an watcht ud. **(Of course, they all came to admire your greatness) **dere wuz so many of dem dat dey filed up all da seets. **(What's all the excitement for?) **dey wa cherin. den i saw da flin bal. i didnt wan t harry to see it **(what a good friend you are) **so i sed "imma gonna go up here fo a whil"

"wel alrit as log as u dont cach da snickers!" **(Snickers...You're a hungry one, Harry)**

"ok" i sed lik i didn se it.

"wel ok" sed harry potter "bcuz im aboot to put da ball in ur hole!" **(Woah, stop it right there. This...was a real innuendo. Wow)**

i went up but wen i wuz abutt to get it a guy in a big blak cap came in on his brommsticks. **(Mm, who could this mysterious intruder be? Just tell me, the andrenaline is rushing through my veins) **He poented his wond at me "die". **(Oh noes)** i den fel off mah bromstik. "AHHHHHHHHH!111111111" i sed. **("Oh geez" I sighed)**

"TURTLE!11111" sed herman. da ppl scremd when i wuz fallin. it hit da grund. then i died. **(If you died, you wouldn't be able to speak, so how come you can say you died? Screw logic)**


	4. Chapter 4

Imma Wiserd: Special Edition **(Oh boy.)**

An: heres anodder chapper! **(No shit Sherlock)**

da next day i wook up in da hosbitel. **(Not the hospice?) **"ur all betta" sed da nurse. **(So much for the "death" part)**

"nigga don scar me lik dat" sed herman. **(Hermione, is that you? *sobs* Oh God why?)**

"u almost dyd" sed harry pottr.

"wut was dat?" i sed. **(A lame attempt at a cliffhanger)**

"it wuz da dark lord vadermort **(Don't you dare use Darth Vader's name! You...you craker! He's my second favourite Star Wars character) **and he wantz to hurt ur mama" **(O rly? That's so evil of him)**

"WART?11" i sed

"u gotta lisin **(Lisine: an amino-acid) **turtle u gotta kill vadermort. it sed so in da profasi" **(And you just found the right time to tell him, didn't you? Also, isn't, dunno, Harry supposed to be the hero?)**

"dat sounds dangerus" sed herman **(Not really. With a lil bit of luck we might get rid of the guy)**

"yeah he wants 2 destroi da world" sed harry **(Lord Destroy-The-World Voldemort)**

"ok" i sed "if he touchs ma mama IMMA POP A CAP IN DAT NIGGAS ASS!11111" **(Whoa, caps rage. We got a badass over here)**

den da dubledoor cam in. "shuddnt u chilldrn b in class?" he sed **(Ah, Dumbles and his interventions...Why can't "the double door" stay in his office? Datz rassist of him, I bet he doesn't disturb da snake ppl that often!)**

"but da dark lard almst killd turtel!11" sed herman

"dun say dat name" sed da vadermort **(Le Gasp! Vadermort or whatever is in here! Run you fools!) **"especially u turtle" **("Especially you"...What a fine expression to describe a Gary Stu)**

"well ill hafta suspind u all" sed dumbeldoor "especially u turtle" **(Dumbles is bipolar or something?) **den da dumbldor **(Noticed how he spells Dumbledore's name with fewer and fewer letters? In a few chapters it'll be just DD) **runnd awy on his bromstik. so we all went bak to our rooms. **(Yep, that's what students always go when they're suspended. Getting rebellious, are we? Nope, more like literary amnesia)**

i went to sleep. when i wuz alssep i saw da man wit da blak cape and da blak coat. **(Spoiler: it's Vadermort!) **dere was a snake coimg out of da front a himself. he wuz sittin in a char in fron of da fried place. **(Kentucky Fried Chicken? I bet you'd like it there)** he sed 2 da snape **(See? I told you. Da snape, Da dumbledoor...) **"imma kill dat nigga boi soulja spirit buu jackson" **(Gangsta Voldie? Whoa. So badass) **I woke up scard. dere wuz som1 under da cofers wit me. it wuz herman. she wuz nekked. **(Ooh, I think I know where this is going. Kids, go read My Immortal, it's safer)** "lets hav sex" she said. **(A perfectly normal activity for 11 year olds)** so she bends over and i stuk my big blak cok in her tinee wite ass. **(My comment on this...Uhm...At least there's no thingies and you know whats!)**

"YES TURTLE YES" she sed. den i cam. an we stop. **(Ah-mazing. Sandra Brown would be proud of you)** "what r u doin" sed harry next to me. **(I know, I know! *raises hand*) **"noddin" i sed ambarrist. "oh. i tot i herd somting."

"i didnt heer noddin" i sed.

"oh, okay" sed harry and he went bak to slep. **(How observant Harry is!)** den we all went doon 2 brekfest. "how did u slep?" **(I think I know what he dreamed of...*coughs*) **sed herman. "gret" i sed an slimed. **(Slim Thug)**

"what're u guys takken bout" sed harry pottr.

"aww noddin" i sed an i smield.

"yeh" sed herman an she smiled.

"yeh" i sed an i slmied 2. **(For unknown reasons, I burst into laughter while reading this dialogue)**

"what r u boiz smilin bout?" sed da dumbeldoor. **(Random Dubledoor appearance)**

"ah noddin"

"well u had bettr hury up an get 2 clss" sed da dubledoor. **(Random Dubledoor disappearance)**

"ok we sed an den we went 2 magik class

"did u all do ur homerk?" sed da teakher? **(I don't know, did she say it or not? You tell me)**

"i didnt" i sed. **(Guts level: Turtle)**

"why not, turtle! u hav such potenshal!" she sed **(Potential for what? Epic number of misspellings?)**

"bcuz he was almost kiled bi vadermort" we sed.

"u fot vadermort? u must b a grat wizrd!" **("Fought" is a strong word) **she sed. "fin u get an a+" she sed. **(*looks right* *looks left* Get me to Hogwarts now!)**

we sat thro class. (**What useful information**)

AN: haha u thot i wuz ded didnt u! **(Yeah, sort of) **well i trikd u lololol **(You're such a great prankster, darling) **mor chpters cummin soon **(Unfortunately)**


	5. Chapter 5

AN: tanks 4 all da gud reveuz! **(Is "all" a new word for "none"? Let me know if it's true, I need to get my facts straight) **recntly i watched da hary pottr moovies again **("Again" implies you also saw them sometime before) **so i cud get ma fadcts strat.

"helo everabodi mah nam is magik jonson" sed magik jonson. **(Who? *later on* Oh, so the guy's a basketball player. A black one – so he ain't no razzist craker)**

"water **(My eyes just turned to the bottle of water at my left) **u doin techin dis class" i sed **(Yeah, good question. This boy is getting smarter!)**

"im ur techer" **(I would've never guessed a person who teaches is a teacher. My bad. I need to read more of Imma Wizerd) **sed magik jonson "dey duont call mi magik 4 noddin!1 **(Ahh, now I see. My dad named me after Napoleon's second wife, so I'm a French empress as well? Gotta call Sarkozy and tell him to get his ass of my throne)** wen i quit bascetball i bcam a techer at hogwats" **(Greeeat) **i loked arond da room. dere wuz alot o niggas in dis class. **(You call everyone a nigga, so...that's pretty normal) **an... DRACO!111 **(I really missed those Gilesbie-style 111111s) **but he sat at da bak o da classrom. **(Totally not like a boss. Dat rassist deserved it)**

"class 2day we will lurn how 2 sumon patronises" **(So early? Mm, these kids are so precocious, aren't they?)**

"wuz a patronis" i sed

"ull see" sed magik jonson. **(What a complex explanation!)**

so we went in2 da midle off da room

"normaly wen pracisin wit partorises we normally use dememtors... **(Shit changed in Hogwarts from the last time I read the books. And I really read them, not like the author who "saw da moviez") **but seeing as how dis is a blak magik class" an he winked **(What a cool and inventive pun...)**"were gonna use somtin alidle bit diferant" he went ova to da closet an opned in. an out came... A KLUKKLUCKSKLANMAN!1111 **(Whoa. That reminds me of a fairy tale that featured an evil guy named Rumpelstilskin or something like that.)**

so we all wnet up an did r patronises. ron did a snak. **(Doesn't quite represent him, but...Oh, why do I bother?) **jenni did a egele. den i cam up an did a big o dragen. **(I would've suggested a fried chicken as a patronus for the guy, but whatever)** "DAZ AMAZING" sed magik jonson. **(*sigh*)**

den draco cam up an did a cjickin cuz he wuz a chikin. **(Draco: "Peep peep? Peep peep peeeeep") **"dat wuz dum" sed magik jonson "u fail". **(Punish ALL the characters you hate!)** drako wen bak 2 da bak of da room.

den da police came an arrestd me fo no reson. **(A short fill-in-the-blanks: Datz ... ! )** "wuz goin on" **(You're in a terrible fanfic and we're here to restore your sanity) **sed makig jonson. "ur under arrest" sed da cops. an dey tok me away an i wen to jail.

An: suzpensfl **(Suswhat? jdfsfshfiowshf?)** iznt it? nex chapta cummin soon.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: im glad 2 see dat evry1 likd mi stori **(Let me guess, you deleted everyone's negative comments and you made fake accounts to give yourself positive ones?)** so i desided 2 rit da nex chapta now!111 **(I love this more and more)**

i wuz in jail. **(O rly?)** it wuz cold but i had a cot an a toylet an mi romatez nam wuz kiwan. **(Such interesting information)** i wuz sad.

"let mi out!11" i sed. **(Oh, let's go ask the bad guys to release us, they'll definitely do so if we beg nicely)**

"no" he sed. **(*sobs*)**

"why did yo put mi in here i didnt do aniting" i sed. **(I would've expected him to say "didn't do nothing" - well, with all the necessary misspellings that make Imma Wizerd what it is)**

"bcuz ur a nigger an as u no we da police hate niggers" **(Pfft. Craker.)**

"U CANT US DAT WORD" sed kiwan **(Sorry to rain on your parade, but...he did use it)**

"yeh daz r word" i sed.

"nigger nigger niger" he sed an began 2 laff. **(Put some music along)**

"well i no a word u mite like" i sed **(Swear words? Whoa, this is getting hardcore) **"DRAGEN!111111" **(Meh...) **den a dragen cam out. **(Couldn't you've just done that from the very...Oh why am I bothering)**

"!11111111111111111111111" **(Number rage! He's taking it to the next level!) **he sed as the ragen began 2 eat him **(I have this mental image of a dragon chewing on a policeman that yells numbers)**

"hes a blak magicon!1" sed anodder gard. **(Welcome, Captain Obvious)**

"den i gess well haf 2 tak away his wand!1" **(*checks out* Wait a minute, he didn't use any wand to do magic. And this means...he can do wandless magic already? Dumbledore...sorry, "da dumbledoor" has nothing on you!) **sed annoder. an dey did.

"now u cant us magic!1" **(Rest assured, this guy has more tricks up his sleeve than you believe) **sed kiwan "but i wish u did... dey dont feed niggas lik us in jail..."

den i had an idea. "du u lik fried chickin" **(Oh, here it goes again...*rolls eyes*)**

"sho i do" he sed "but not all blak ppl lik fried chikin. dat wud be rassist" **(Quote: "neva beliv any1 hu sayz a blak man dont like fired chickin". So I'm guessing I shouldn't believe you now)**

"ok" i sed an pointed at da grund an sed "fried chickin" an dere it was.

"hooooray!1111111111111111" sed kiwan. "ur da gratist wiserd iv eva nown!" **(*slow, Snape-like voice* Un...believable)**

den... da fried chickin startd 2 chang... it wuz... VADERMORT!1111111111111 **(Wow, shape-shifting Voldie? I'm never touching fried chicken again!)**

"die" he sed but kiwan jumpd in da wai an his hed esploded! **(Heroism fail)**

"beep" sed vadermort **(You have no idea how much I laughed at this part...Bwahaha! Beep? Looks like R2-D2 rather than Lord Exploded-Head Voldemort)**

"turtle! get mi uzi! **(You have weapons and...Oh dear, the level of stupidity is too damn high)** its i n mi left pokket!1" sed kiwan. an i did. an i shot bullets on vadermort. **(Let's go shoot the most evil dark lord in history who's so good with magic he could kill everyone in the room in an instant! What a good idea!)**

"IM DIING!" **(You don't say?) **sed vadermort. blod wuz goin evrywere.

"never trust a blak wizard" i sed. **(Replace "blak wizard" with "troll" and the statement is more accurate) **an i sed "DRAGEN" an dere wuz more blod evrywere. **(Ah, Enoby from My Immortal would love this part)**

"AHHHH IM DIING EVEN MOR!11" **(He's more than dead? Super-dead? Mega-dead? So-fucking-dead-I'm-dying-from-all-this-death kind of dead?) **sed vadermort.

den he fel on da grund ded. **(yay)**

"U KILLD VADERMORT!111" sed harry potter. **(What? How is he here? When...?)**

"GUD JOB" sed magik jonson. **(How the...B...but? So much mindfuck)**

den snap cam up an sed "cum 2 mi oriface" **(That was...Don't you dare mock my favourite HP character, you...you craker! Yeah, no better insults found)**

AN: but dunt worri dis is nut da last uv herd of darth vader!111 **(I'd generally be happy with that, since I love Vader...but since this is Imma Wizerd, I fear what I'm gonna find out. BTW, did you know that Vader was 46 when he died?)**


	7. Chapter 7

"my my what an ingoyable **(In…what? Oh, "enjoyable") **meal" sed snape totchin da sids of his moth **("And you were like a moth to that flaaame" Oh sorry, random singing outburst) **wit his napkin. **(Good mannered, are we?)** he wuz sitin at his desk eatin. **(What a smart observation)** i wuz sitin in a char **(int i, j, char c - C++ win) **in front of his desk. i wasn't eatin. **(I lol'd at this)** he wiped his hands off on da napikn an folded it in a tryangl **(Have you ever watched the movie Idiocracy? It gets ridiculously close to Imma Wizerd, at least from the spelling point of view) **bside his plat.

"you moronic negresint layabout. **(Come on, Severus, you know you can do better!) **do you know why i brot**her** you here?" sed snape. **(lol nope)**

i didnt no. **(So...you did yes?)**

"leef da poor boi alone" sed hagrid. **(Random Hagrid is random)**

"no. i think he shud be expeled." sed snape. **(Wow. Is that an in-character sentence? In Imma Wizerd? Am I really in this terrible fanfic or not?)**

"well why" sed da dubleedor. **(Wait a moment. Snape was having dinner in front of this kid and all of a sudden da dubleedor and Hagrid appeared and began begging for mercy? Ah, Imma Wizerd logic)**

"becuz he brot a gun to school." sed snape. **(He was in jail, dear Severus. Not school, from what I rememeber. Even though for many students it's the same thing)**

"but he wuz trien 2 fite vadermort" sed herman. **(With a gun. How smart of him)**

"thats no alabi" sed snape. **(Translation: "Because fuck you, that's why") **"he hangs at sundown"

"WAT!1111" sed harry potre. **(Watt = Joule / Second)**

"you heard me" sed snape.

"its tru" sed da dumbledoor "bringin a gun 2 skool is punishable by death. **(I read that as "bringing gum to school")** especally if ur blak" **(This makes me laugh rather than cry)**

"!11111111111111" sed herman. **(Shouting 1s, like a boss)**

"but wayt! da suns alreddy down!" i sed.

"then i guess we have to hang you now!" sed snape. **("Severus, please")**

"N **(That was the best sentence ever)**

"!111111111111111" sed herman. an began 2 cry. **(I imagine her with a black veil crying...Sweet Lord)**

den... out of no were... HARRY POTTER BUST IN2 DA ROOM!11111 **(Wait, didn't he say something a few lines ago? Damn, this author's got the memory of a chipmunk. Dunno how much memory's got a chipmunk, but it sounds funny)**

"hey wait! u cant kill turtle! den hus goona kill vadermort!" he sed. **(I don't know, someone like you? The real hero?)**

i wuz standin on da stage wit ma hed in da rope. **(Things get movin', don't they?)**

hermon wuz dreesed in a blak dress wit a vail an cryin on harys sholder. **(I think I'm psychic, lol. Nope, just read the fanfic before)**

"hahaha" sed snape. it wuz thunderin an lightnin and rain wuz fallin everywere. **(The state of the nature corresponds with the inner state of the protagonist...Oh jeez, too much literature lately) **"with you gone, vadermort can rule then world!111" **(Spoiler alert: In this fanfic, Snape supports Vadermort)**

i wuz a gonner. **(Uh, does that mean "I was gone"? Welll then...I can't say I'm too sad)**

AN: now dat wuz excitin!111 **(Like watching grass grow) **sorry it tok so long. i had to look up those big words for snape **(You looked anything up? O rly.) **bcuz hes wite an probably jewish. **(Datz rassist!)**

**Review odderwize ur razzist crakers!**


	8. Chapter 8

i wuz abot 2 die. **(Yeah, I'm crying out here…)**

den... a big blak nigga flu in on a grifen an thru me ma bromstik. **(So badass!)**

"!11111111111111" sed snape. **(I'd pay to see Alan Rickman shout random 1s)**

i got on mi bromstik an flu awai wit da big blak nigga. we flu ova till we fund his apartmant.

"hi im shieqwaz" he sed **(I'm sjjquqy7ey, glad to meet you!)**

"call mi (**Ishmael)** turtle" i sed.

"im snapes brodder" sed shieqwaz. **(dafuq?)**

"no u aint" i sed "dat nigga aint blak" **(I've seen cases of twins with different skin colours, so no big deal)**

"yes i is" **(Reminds me of that song, „The way I are") **he sed "we bof haff da saim mama but i cam out blak an he cam out jewish. **(Since when is „Jewish" a race? Otherwise how can you compare it to being black?)** eva sinse den hes hated blak ppl" **(Ever since his birth? How evil of him)**

"wel vadermort looks kind o jewish. do u tink dey cud b da same guy" **(Because obviously all Jews are the same person)**

"i don no" sed shieqwaz. **(How enlightening)**

den i had an idea dat wud rly wurk **(I have one too, and it involves grammar books and storywriting classes)**

AN: wel dat wuz a clifhangr!11 **(I do imagine you hanging from a cliff, but that's something else…)**


	9. Chapter 9

AN: sory it tok so long **(It should've taken forever) **dis was a long chapta an i had 2 look up how 2 spell snapes words. **(Where did you look 'em up, in rap lyrics?)**

snape wuz wakkin down da halway. "yes now that weve gotten that awful nigger off my hands nothing will get in the way of my plans!1" **(Were those...16 well-spelled words in a row? Sweet Jesus)**

he keppt on wakkin down da halway. **(Dun dun dun dun!)**

"only 1 more thing could make this day even better" he sed. **(Fried chikin?) **den he saw somden on da ground. it wuz a 5 dolla bill. **(Classic)**

"ohhhh a 5 dollor bill" sed snape. he bent down to pik it up. but den... it moved just out of his reech! **(Why would he need dollars if wizards use...Who am I arguing with?)**

"that was odd" sed snape. an he bent down to pik it up agin. but it movd agin! **(What inventive trolls you are)**

"well this is making me quite angry" sed snape. and evrytim he pikd it up it went out of his reech.

he went 2 da end of da halway "ahh i got u now!" he sed. but wen he sed dat a sak went ova his hed!

"got u" i sed.

"curses" sed snape.

"we got u now" sed shieqwan" **(Thanks, Captain Obvious)**

"let me go" sed snape.

we put him in a rum **(Rum? The one you drink? Or drum? That would be even weirder) **an put him in a char.

"SHIEQWAN" sed snake. **(*hiss hiss* - geddit, he's a snake)**

"brodder" sed shieqwan. **(Oh, we're getting all sensitive now!)**

"r u vadermort?" i sed. **(Like he's gonna tell)**

"ill never tell" sed snape. **(Told ya so!)**

"not even 4... 5 dollors"

snape lookd lik he wuz gonna eat dat 5 dolla bill.

"ok" sed snape "ill tell u if im vadermort or not. **(Well, he's cheap, ain't he?) **mi tru identidy is"...**(oh, the anxiety)**

den wit his magik he got out of da char. **(Well, finally!)**

"gettim" sed shieqwan.

i tryd. but i cudnt cuz dey tok away mah wand in jail.

"hes gettin away" sed shieqwan.

den snape got out his gun.

"now youll die... FOREVER!11111111111" he sed. **(So he's aware that some characters only die for a short period of time. That must be why he emphasises on the "forever" part)**

"NOT IF I KILL U FIRST" sed shieqwan. **(So much for brotherly love)**

"you wont hurt me im your brothr" sed snape. **(Snape sounds like the only reasonable character)**

"yes i wud snape... or shud i say... VADERMORT" sed shieqwan.

"how did you know" **(I take my words back) **sed snape.

"its queyt simpl" sed shieqwan "bcuz u an vadermort r never in da smae place at da same time!" **(Awesome logic. I am never in the same place at the same time with J.K. Rowling, so I must be J. K. Rowling! Better get started on a HP sequel right away!)**

"DAM U" sed snape. "u were 2 smart for me" **(*epic facepalm*)**

"now dat u no mi secret i cant let u life"

den he started 2 shoot bullets on me. mi blud wuz goin evrywere. an den i died. **(Nope, don't believe you)**

AN: is dis da end... or is it! **("Is this real life, is this fantasy?" No, just a terrible fanfic)**


	10. Chapter 10

i meet god **(Oh God why?)**

i woke up in heven. **(You're not in the right place) **soulja boy wuz playin **(Hmm…My interest in heaven is slowly decreasing) **an i saw dis big ol nigga in a wit robe dat lookd lik 50 cent. **(I don't know what's more offensive, this image of God or the abundence of "Stanist" elements in My Immortal)**

"hello turtle" he sed.

"how do u no mi name" i sed

"bcuz im god turtle" **(You don't say?) **he sed i wuz amased.

"am i ded" i sed **(Meh, not really)**

"yes u r" sed god.

"den dat meen..." i sed **(What?)**

"yes it duz" **(WHAT?) **sed god "but dont cri turtle cuz it aint yo tym yet so im senden u bak. i wan u 2 kill dat evil jew hu killd mi only son" **(Whoa, Snape killed Jesus? This is...Hmm, but from what I remember, the Jews did ask for Jesus' death. And since Snape is sort of Jewish here...Did I just spot a correct historical/biblical reference?)**

"yes lod" i sed.

"an rememba turtle, i will alweys bein wachin ova u. goodbi" sed god **(This is the bad guy, God!)**

"godbi" i sed.

i woke up in mi room

"wuz wrong" sed hary pottr "u look wit as a cracker"

"aw noddin" i sed.

"well u woke up jus in tim" **(For da crakers who are too lazy to read the whole dialogue, here's a summary: "Are you ok?" "Yes" "Okay, let's play Quidditch!") **sed shieqwaz "da bromstik chaminship is stardin an ur da star playa" **(Of course "turtle" who does nothing should be the star playa, not doze wit crakers that play Quidditch all day!)**

**Oh, was that the whole chapter? Bahaha, I miss My Immortal!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Pfft, here it goes again.**

bromstiks championship **(yaaaay…)**

i wuz in da locka room. i wuz so nervus. **(Relax, you're gonna win anyways, Gary Stus never lose) **i hadnt ben arond 2 pratise bcuz i wuz ded. **("Let us be so dead and gooone..." Oh, sorry for the random singing outburst. Don't you hate it as well when your favourite athlete stops practicing because of death? He/she wil never get in shape like that!)**

i wuz lokin for ma **(long lost brain) **bromstik. but i cudnt find it. **(Obviously, otherwise you wouldn't have begun searching for it in the first place) **den i turnd arund. it wuz... VADERMORT STEALING MI BROMSTIK!11111111 **(Voldie! Pardon me, "Vadie"! You've resorted to petty theft? By the way, yesterday was the official Star Wars day!)**

"haha" he sed "an gess wut. i killd evry bodi else on ur team! **(I'll never understand why he didn't kill turtle as well. Ah, right, because he can ressurect himself so any attempts to kill him are useless. Respawn FTW!)** now ull nevr win!"

"wut" i sed **(You are a smart one)**

"thers no way ull beet us at bromstiks now" **(I imagine right now Voldie and Soulja Boy whatever beating each other up with broomsticks) **he sed "and then well kill u. hahaha" an then he flu off on ma bromstik. **(go Voldie go!)**

"wut am i gonna do now" i sed **(Read a book, baby. Doesn't hurt. I'm reading Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy...damn, that's one good book.)**

i wen on da feeld.

"waddiya doin turtle? da championship is about 2 bigin!1" sed hary potta

"i cant" i sed. "vadermort stole mah bromstik"

"DAT THEFFIN BIGNOSE CRACKA" (**=)) Just...try to imagine Daniel Radcliffe saying this. This line is beyond comment.)** sed hary potter

"an he killd evry1 else on da teem1!" i sed **(So his speech is like this: Bahaha, the bad guy stole my broomstick. Oh, they also killed everyone else, but that doesn't matter. Bring me my broomstick, you evil Vadermort!)**

"WUT" sed hary " how r we gonna win now!" **(Steal a broomstick or whatever)**

den we lookd ova. **(I thought you looked creepy)**

"oh my god" we sed. da deth eattas **(The Death Dealers in My Immortal are way cooler) **had brot... DA KLU KLUX KLAN **(Oh shit, we're screwed)**

dey didnt hav bromstiks. **(Good for them) **but dey had guns a flammin cross an a rope. **(Sooo hardcore)**

"hey look niggers!" sed 1. an dey all started to shot at us.

"deres way were gonna win now" sed hary potta. **(Yeah, get the hell outta there)**

den i got an idea. **(can't wait to find out what idea)**

"DRAGEN" i sed an a dragen apeerd.

i got on da dragens bak an me an hary went up into da air. **(I actually remembered a scene in which Harry had a nightmare about the Slytherin Quidditch team being on dragons)**

we only had me and hary an we had to play aginst da deatheaters hufflpuff grifendoor an sliterin ALL AT DA SAME TIME. **(Oh, thanks for the caps, I wouldn't have noticed! Dem razzists!)**

"GET DA NIGGERS" sed da klukluklan **(klukluklukluklu...kluklu) **guy an dey all started to shot at us. **(again)**

"how can dey still see us!1" **2 3 4** sed hary pottr

it wuz bcuz da ski wuz wit an we wuz da only blak guys on da feild.

"it is bcuz da ski is wit an we is da only blak guys on da feeld" i sed. **(Oh, the telepathy)**

vadermort lookd ova "dis is da worst ting eva!1 how cud mi plan not hav workd!" **(Poor Voldie. He's never gonna succeed with this Gary Stu around)**

den da dubledoor flu up an sed "let da game bgin. lets play fair" den da buza sounded. **(Yoohoo, I'm so excited...)**


	12. Chapter 12

mi an hary pottr were da onli ppl on da ravencow **(Moo!)** teem. all da odda teems was flyin arond trin to put dere balls **(Should I comment on this? Nope.)** in r da kluklanklan wuz shootin up at us.

"hary u gard da lok 4 da snigger" i sed.

i flu up high on mi dragen **(I believe I can fly!) **"GET DAT NIGGA" sed a griffendor. "NOT B4 I PUT A BAL IN UR HOL" **(...)** sed a slithrin."ILL BEET U BOT" sed a hufflypuff. den he fell down. he wuz accidently shot bi da klukluxklan. **(Looks like the KKK do good deeds from time to time)**

i wuz fliin up in da air lokin 4 da snikker. den i saw vadermort. "die" he sed buit i flew out of da way. **(Dodging Voldie's "die"s, are we?)** instead he hit a griffindoor an he esploded. **( =)) I somehow like this part)**

"U MISSD MI" **(yeah, you tell him!) **i sed an went bak 2 lokin 4 da snigger."die" sed vadermort again. **(Keep trying)** den he missd an hit a death eater an he died. **(Lol, Voldie's such a poor shot!)**

i wuz fliin an vadermort wuz chasin mi. den i saw... draco!1an he saw mi. **(I see what you did there.) **"now die soulja spirit buu jackson!1" **(You know you're screwed when someone says your full name!) **an he pulld out his **(what? His homework? His broomstick? His swag? - lol) **he shooted mi but i got out of da way an instead he hit... VADERMORT!11

"AHHHHHH" sed vadermort. den vadermort pointed his wand at draco an his brom esploded an he fel in2 da klukluxklan but dey didnt hurt him cuz he was wite.

"ah ha" **(a-ha used to be my favourite band some time ago) **sed vadermort. he had fond da snigger. **(I found the singer for a-ha too, his name is Morten Harket) **i lokd dwon. da snigger wuz in da middle of da feeld.. right in da middle of... DA KLUXKLUXKLAN.

he wuz divin 2ward it and so did i. dere was bodis all ova da feeld. **(There's a killer party in there!) **da klukluxklan wuz shotin up.

"u cant let da klukluxklan get da snigger" sed hary potta "or dey win da gaem!1111" **(Which is obviously more important than staying alive...Who cares if you get killed? Oh wait...You know what, just go ahead)**

da klukluxklan wasnt shotin at wuz wite. dey wuz shotin at mebut dey kept missin an hittin everibody else!11 **(Lame villains)**

"hey lok deres da snigger!1" sed da klukluxklanman an started runin 2ward it."!11111111111111111111111111111" i sed ( **=)) A math fetish? I'll yell "3,14159" too when I'm angry!)**

"yes" sed vadermort as da klukluxklan man put his hand on da snigger.

but da ball went throo da klukluxklansmans hand. den i reelised... dey werent da klukluxklan... DEY WERE GHOSTS!111111 **(ooooh. Now I see...Not really)**

"u fools!1" sed vadermort.

bcuz dey were gosts i flew thro dem an got da snigger. but dey shot up mi dragen. an it died. **(Pfft, piece of cake. Mr Screw-plots-and-literature will borrow the dragon some of his mystical ressurection powers and it'll be just fine)**

"!" sed vadermort. **(How does an exclamation mark sound like? Riddles of life, can't understand 'em)**

den da buzza sonded. **(Bzzz, bzzz) **da game wuz ova. "U WIN" sed da dumbledoor. **(Who could've kicked Voldie and the klulku-whatever's butts but just chose to sit and watch. What a good dumbledoor you are!)**

"u may haff won this tim... BUT NOT 4 LONG!11111111" sed vadermort. den he pointed his wand at harry. "die" he sed. harry esploded. **(I have this mental image of Harry's head bursting)** he fell off his bromstik.

"QUIK GET DA DOKTA" but bi da tim we got dere hge was alredy ded. **(Fortunately, the geniune Harry Potter is still alive. In our hearts, of course)**

"haha sed vadermort and him an his detheaters flew away. **(Oh nooooes!)**


	13. Chapter 13

"U WON DA CHAMPIONSHIP!1111" sed herman.

"good job" sed da dumbledoor. **(Apparently, nobody complains about poor Harry's death. I'm guessing we'll have to replace him now with da wite boi dey chose in da moviez aka Mr Radcliffe)**

"weres draco?" sed herman

"o he almost died" **(Draco? Wasn't that...)** sed da dumbledoor. "but da best part is every1 on da sliteryn teem died!" **(Evil Dumbles is evil! Mwahaha, die you Slytherins! Now really, I love Slytherins, that was just my sarcasm mode)**

"we shud celebrate" sed herman an she startd kissin up on mi. **(Oh, I really missed this fucked-up version of Hermione)**

"i no maybi we cud go 2 a fancy restrant" i sed. **(*cough*KFC*cough*)**

"rly" sed herman.

"ya we can go 2 applebees!11" i sed.

den she huggd mi an started kissin up on me even more. **(get a room! or better yet, get out of the fanfic world!)**

dat nite i desided 2 do somden speshal. **(I have a bad feeling about this)** it wuz r first date. so i took a shower. **(Good job!)** i put on ma best cothes. **(Better job!)**

i took herman 2 applebees.

"dis is amazin!" she sed.

we sat down an dis fancy french guy cam 2 us an sed "wuts yo order" he sed.

"ill get a cowboy burger" i sed "wit friez n onions"

"ok an wut wud u lik missy?" he sed.

"ill hav a salad an sum water"

"ok" he sed an den he went away 2 get r food **(This conversation is as interesting as it gets)**

but den... hu walkd in... BUT DRACO!111 an he sat down bside herman. **(DracoxHermione, DracoxHermione! Yay! Oops, sorry. I love the pairing.)**

"watta u doin!1" i sed

"noddin" sed draco lookin arund all sneekily an den he walkd away. **(Well that wasn't too much of a flirt)**

den da fancy french guy brot r food an we eatted it.

den we went bak 2 hogwats an she tok off her cloze an got in mah bed. **(Jeeeeez. Prepare your desk for some epic headdesking.)**

i wuz about 2 put mi big blak cock in her tiny wite ass but den i realisd... dere wuz somebody already in dere!

den i turnd on da lite. herman wuz havin sex wit draco!1111 **(Yoohoo! Oh, sorry again for that.)**

"U MEEN BITCH" i sed. **(Not my Draco, you bitch!)**

"wait dont leef me!" **(insert cheesy music here) **she sed but i wuz alredy up an out of da room.

AN: thx 4 all da gud reviewz!111 **(This guy is delusional. Or a troll. Or both)**


	14. Chapter 14

AN: dis chapta wuz brot 2 u by da AFCA. **(I prefer the ASPCA, the guys who save animals.) **da americin fried chikin associashun. **(I hate this association. AFCA, Y U NO give us cool fanfics?)**

"wut r we gonna do about dat nigga" sed vadermort. he wuz sittin in his evil lair havin dinna wit dracula an hitler. **(Fun fact about FallenHero93: She also makes Hitler parodies on Youtube) **dey were eatin babies. **(Not so fun fact about FH93: She doesn't like babies, but she surely doesn't approve of eating them****)**

"i say we kill him!" sed dracula **(Dracula is from my country! Go Dracula go!)**

"gutantof gutantof chocolate choclate gutantof" **(Sounds like a Sparta Remix of chocolate and "guten tag"****) **sed hitler wich wuz german 4 "i agree we shud kill him" **(I agree too)**

"ive tried dat u fool!" sed vadermort "hes such a great blak magicon **(Magic + unicorn = magicon) **dat he keeps cumming **(Hermione helps him *cough*) **bak 2 life"

dracula tok a bit of his baby. "den how r we gonna kill dat nigga" **(We should kill him. But we can't do it. How are we gonna do it?)**

"i dont know" sed vadermort. den hitler screemed.

"KINDERGAREN" he sed wich wuz german 4 "deres sumden rong wit mi baby" **(Yeah, it's being eaten by a gibberish-speaking Hitler)**

den dracula lookd ova "wait dat isnt a baby... dis is fried chiknin!11" **(Yep, I always confuse babies with cooked chicken. I was actually wondering why were all those ladies carrying fried chicken in their strollers)**

den vadermort had an idea. **(Amaze me)**

"i no" **(i yes) **he sed. "ill go bak in time an make sure dat FRIED CHIKIN WUZ NEVER INVENTED!111" **(Uh...So what?)**

"daz a good idea" sed dracula an hitler clappin dere hands. **(I thought Hitler spoke "German", so how come he also said "datz a good idea"?)**

dracula finished his meel. "my my wut an enjoyable meel" he sed dabbing da sides of his cape.

den vadermort starded speekin "by tomorrow everythin in hogwart is gonna BE ALL WHITE!1111111" **(Is Dumbles renovating the school?)**

AN: ohhh dat wuz scarry...**(Agreed, it left me with some mental scars)** i wundda wuts gonna happen next!11 **(Fried chikin, Vadermort appearing, the hero's death&ressurection. Although not necessarily in that order)**


	15. Chapter 15

it wuz nittime. i wuz sittin under a tree cryin. dat meen bitch herman wuz cheetin on me wit draco. **(Go Hermione, go! What? I ship HermionexDraco)**

"dat meen bitch" i sed cryin. why wuz she cheetin on me. i didnt no. **I did yes**

just den... **OMG** from behind a tree... **OH THE ANXIETY!** i saw a memba of DA KLUKLUXKLAN!111111111111111111**223334444**

he wuz wakkin 2wards me. i reechd 4 my wand. but i didnthave it **=)) Fail **cuz da police took it away when i was in jail.

"nooooo dont hurt me" **(Like that will persuade him)** i sed but he kept commin.

he reeched out his hand. an his hand went throo me. **(Dafuq?)**

it wasnt a memba of da klukluxklan... IT WUZ A GOST!1111 **(Le Gasp)**

"hey turtle wutchu doin all da way out heer" sed da gost. den i reelised... it wuz da ghost of HARRY POTTRE!11111 **(I wouldn't be surprised if till the end of this chapter he realises it's three more characters)**

"hary! ur a ghost!" i sed.

"i no. dat evil jew **(Ah, damn it. This isn't even funny)** vadermort killed me" he sed. "why u out heer turtle" **(Just lookin' fo' some female turtles, if you know what I mean)**

"dat meen bitch herman cheeted on me wit draco"

"dat meen bitch. **Dat meen bitch. **but dont worry turtle. dere are odder girls. **(I'm pretty odd, too)** ur da sexiest blak man ever" **(Headdesk or facepalm? Which one can I take?)**

"rly" i sed

**"NO," I sed.**

"rly" he sed. "well lets go 2 sleep. we hve class 2morrow." **(Since when do you care?)**

so we went 2 r room an went 2 sleep.

AN: u thot hary potter wuz gone... **(He'll never be gone! Even though the books & movies have ended)** but i triked u!111 **(Great. Here's a potato for your hard work)**


End file.
